Breathe me
by Linneagb
Summary: Kris Hillridge went home, leaving Taylor in the hospital for the night. Then she couldn't stand the thought of her daughter being alone after everything so she went back. And after all, even now at seventeen- Taylor still needs her mum. Kris also has a longer talk with the doctor while Taylor is still asleep.


**It's told from Kris's point of view**

 **The title- "Breathe me" is the title of Sia's song that is playing in the background of the scene where Taylor makes that video when she wants to commit suicide.**

"I thought you went home."

Only an hour or two after I left the ward I walked up the same hallways again, now dressed in clothes that were softer and would do better for a night sitting by a hospital bed watching my daughter sleep. Otherwise mostly the same as I had left and a whole lot earlier than what I had been expected to return.

"Yes." I turned to Dr. Rilke, who had recognized me from before and interrupted on my way through the hallway. "I did but I…" I had stopped right outside Taylor's room and glanced past the bed closest to the door and to my daughter on the second. "I know she's seventeen and she'll be asleep through the night and… everything but I. If she wakes up, I just wanted to… even though she's old enough to mind her own and she'll fall asleep soon again I just… I don't want her to be alone. I want to be there and I… I…"

"You…" Dr. Rilke interrupted and smiled comfortingly at me. "…Are a mum. And we see quite a lot of those around here. What do you think we'd do? Throw you out, head first and lock you out until in the morning?" He smiled again. "If it was me in the hospital I would want my mum with me and I'm forty plus."

I couldn't help to feel grateful that Dr. Rilke was talking to me as if I had been just an old friend rather than a family of a patient who was only one in the crowd like it should have been and most other staff in a place like this would.

"We've got one of those fold away beds and some extra sheets for times like these. Would you like one of those so you can too lay down and sleep and still stay close to Taylor?"

"No." I shook my head without a doubt. "I think… no, I just want to stay awake and stick to her side. Be there if… when she wakes up."

Dr. Rilke nodded in understanding to what I said. Then looked to Taylor where she laid on the second bed from the door by which we still stood and for a minute looked thoughtful. As if he really did try to understand what I had said and was feeling rather than what he could see as a doctor.

"Even if she wakes up now she will probably be quite sleepy and not stay awake for long. That's not unusual, her body and mind has suffered a lot of stress through the last few hours and it could also be a side effect from these medicines. Still, make sure she takes one every six hours. She and also her body should start getting used to them and feel better in the morning. You should be able to go home then."

I suppressed a moan. Even though it was almost midnight the morning just seemed way too far away.

"Don't wake her up on purpose. But the next time she wakes up you can give her a pill of those medicines I prescribed for you. I wouldn't be surprised if she… you know, has some loss of appetite or nightmares or she might be a bit dizzy and nauseas. Those are side effects from most medicines but it's nothing to worry about unless she has trouble keeping fluid down or go unconscious. It's just logic really. Then... If she doesn't want to eat- it's more important that she eats at all than that it would be healthy. If she wants cake, then let her eat cake."

I nodded and took in what he said. But right then I guess I didn't quite hear it. All I could see and hear right then was my daughter, pale and with her blonde hair- so much like mine spread across the white pillow sheet and her slow, deep breaths moving her chest up and down under the blanket and making the most comforting noise of all times.

The sound of your very own child's breaths. The sound of my daughter's life.

I tried to keep away the thoughts of how close it had been only earlier today. If Samantha hadn't seen that video at the very moment it was uploaded, if I had turned my phone off for a meeting, if Taylor had gotten that can open, if she had done what she wanted without filming it…

"Mrs. Hillridge?"

When Dr. Rilke's voice brought me back to reality it was with a sharp intake of breath and I suddenly realized I was hyperventilating and didn't for my life understand how I was going to be able to stop and slow it down.

"I… I…"

I didn't know what I could have said. But something made me stutter something I didn't know how to continue and it had me breathing even faster if so was possible.

"Come here." Dr. Rilke gently laid a hand on my back and led me through the room and to sit down on a chair by Taylor's bed and he sat down on another right next to me. "It's okay… Here." He moved his hand from my back and took my hand lying it against his shirt over his chest. "Try to feel it moving when I'm breathing and then breathe with me, okay? Breathe in?" He slowly breathed in. "And then out… and then in…"

Dr. Rilke kept on excessively deep breaths while holding onto my wrist gently and holding my hand still towards his shirt. I barely knew up from down. Even though I tried to breathe with him something kept stopping me and sent me into yet one quicker breath after the other while I didn't know whether to cry, run or scream at the top of my lungs.

Then suddenly both I and Dr. Rilke flinched and turned when we heard Taylor moan in her sleep and turn. And I held my breath looking down on her.

 _Please don't wake up, please don't wake up. Please don't wake up right now._

 _I don't want you seeing me like this._

I breathed out when Taylor only took a deep, snoring breath and then stayed asleep. And somehow that got a hang of my breathing again. At least so to the point I was finally able to squeeze out only a few words.

"I'm sorry." I finally managed to force myself to take a deep, but still almost as quick breath. "I'm really sorry."

"You don't have to say you're sorry." Dr. Rilke said as calmly as he ever did. Then finally let go of my wrist and leaned forward leaning his elbows towards his knees. "You had a panic attack. It's scary, yet harmless. It'll be all gone in a couple of minutes."

We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I put my arms on the metal railing on Taylor's hospital bed and leaned against it slightly when I wasn't so sure that my own body and spine could hold my whole weight up. And from that I put my head in my hands and sighed.

"How did I let this happen?"

"We see… these… sadly, way too often." I had asked more myself than Dr. Rilke and almost forgotten he was right by me so I flinched and looked up. "Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. But there is one thing I want you to remember- it is not your fault."

 _But I got that freaking laptop for her. None of this would have happened if I hadn't._

But then, if I hadn't gotten that for her I would have never known this would happen if I did. And I had really been wanting to give it to her as a treat for doing so well in school lately.

 _But of course, I'd choose feeling bad about not giving her what she wanted than being here today knowing how close I had been to losing her only earlier today. And the grumpy feeling of not getting what she wanted for her birthday rather than what must have been going through her mind when she did it._

The thoughts about what had or what hadn't been were spinning in my head. So bad I couldn't even pick out one from the other.

"I'm sorry…" I said at last, realizing that close to another hour had passed since I had arrived back at the hospital. "I didn't realize you have other patients to see. I didn't mean to keep you here with me. You can go. I will just stay here with Taylor."

"Once again you don't have to say you're sorry. In fact I don't have any other patients because my shift is over. But you didn't make me stay here with you- I chose to stay here with you. And I'm going to either until you want to tell me to go. Or until I feel as if you're doing better here. Then I'll go home and hug my kids hard. I just always have to do that after a shift like this one."

For a moment I was going to ask about his kids, how many, how old, what were their names? Then I must have forgotten all about it.

"How do you do it?" I just had to ask. "I don't think I'll ever understand how anyone could do it but… How do you spend all of your time here with all of your kids back at home and seeing all this misery. And now, you stay here with me and with Taylor. And then before you return for your next shift we will be long gone and hopefully never see each other again. How do you not just, f*ck it. And then forget about it all and decide to go home to your family."

I had to silent at last. Dr. Rilke bit his lip and frowned, seeming as if he had never been asked something like that before and had to wonder for a while to figure what to say and what words to use.

"First of all, my kids- there are five of them. Then… I've been told that patients and their family members and friends well. That I seem to care for them and not just the numbers of their vitals or however much fun their conditions are for me to treat. And I do guess that the reason for why people think I act like that is because I do my best to try and act like that. People coming here aren't only a conditions or some numbers on a beeping, electrical board. And therefore I shouldn't treat them like they are."

It took me a while to figure and understand what he had told me. Then looked down on Taylor where she laid pale towards the covers. Five of this? I wouldn't be able to go a day without worrying twenty four seven.

"How do you even bear to care for it all?"

I must have asked myself more than what I asked Dr. Rilke. I had two, and this one. It was just breaking my heart.

"Honestly I don't even know that myself. But when I treat a patient and meet family I try to imagine how I would like to be met by the staff if one of my kids were in hospital like this. Of course, sometimes I succeed and then sometimes I don't and feel ashamed of how I acted to someone and just wants to look them up and apologize. But… I try to see it like I treat the people here… whoever they are. Like just that- people. And not think that they're just another patient or family member…." Suddenly something changed in his expression. "I think she's waking up now." Dr. Rilke nodded towards Taylor and stood up. "I think you can need some time on your own. Now remember what I said, it is not- and I mean NOT your fault."

It didn't really hit me what he had said at all before Dr. Rilke left the room. And for a second I was trying to understand it before I turned to Taylor whose eyes fluttered open just as I saw her.

"Hey baby." I ran my palm over Taylor's forehead and then down her hair- a mother's gesture to secretly feel for a temperature. "How are you feeling?"

"'m okay." Taylor said sleepily and rubbed her eyes. "But didn't you just go home?"

"I did. But it didn't feel right to leave you here alone all night." I reached up once again and ran my hand over her forehead one more time. "Even Eric said the same thing and agreed with me. Now. Can you sit up, you have to take a pill that Dr. Rilke prescribed for you." I stood up and supported Taylor as she stiffly and tiredly sat up. "Good girl… Just a second."

I stepped over to the bedside table and as quickly as I could moved for Taylor not to have to sit up for too long, I took the jug filled with water into a Styrofoam cup and opened the small box with pills and poured one out into my palm.

Never again would I be able to open such pill boxes without feeling grateful that there were children's locks on them. And that Taylor had never had to take medicines and learnt the easy way to get them opened.

 _If she had…_

"Here." I carefully handed her the pill and then held onto the glass while she lifted it to her mouth and then too the straw and swallowed a few sips before she leaned back against the sheets. "Is there something else I can get you?" I turned for a second to put the cup away. "The restaurant is closed now but I'm sure I could get a sandwich or something else for you if you want me too. You should eat something, you haven't all day." Taylor suddenly shivered slightly. "Are you cold? Do you need me to get another blanket?"

"I'm not very hungry." Taylor said at last. "And no." She took a grip of the covers she had and pulled them up to her chin. "I'm good. I'm just sleepy." She laid down, but in difference to fall asleep she laid with her eyes open and almost seemed to be waiting for something. And after only watching her for for sure ten minutes in case she'd only want to fall asleep I said what seemed like the simplest- it was just the only thing I could think of saying right now.

"Do you remember that soup I used to make when you were little?" I stroke my hand over Taylor's forehead once again and stroke away a blonde tress that had fallen into her eyes. "When you were ill it was the only thing you would eat. When we go home I could make you some of that if you want."

"The one with coconut milk and corn?"

"Yeah. That's the one. Or I could call and ask Eric to make those grilled cheese sandwiches he makes, those with chicken- he does make them better than anybody else and I could ask him to have them ready for when we're home. Or we could go to that café on the corner and get that cheesecake that you like so much. The one with chocolate."

 _Please Taylor, just tell me what you want. Anything!_

"Mum?"

"Yes?"

Relieved when Taylor finally looked like she was going to ask for something I sat up. Ready to run to the other side of the world if that's what it took to give her what she needed right now.

"Do you remember what you used to do when I was little and couldn't sleep?"

Well, it wasn't about running to the other side of the world but it was something and I nodded- how could I ever forget?

"I'd come and lay down next to you and hug you." Taylor nodded weakly. "Do you want me to do it now?" She hesitated for a moment, but I knew what that look now. "Oh honey. You don't have to be afraid to ask me what you want. I'm your mum. That's what I'm here for." I stood up. "And of course I can But then you need to move to the side or I'll fall out." I pulled off my shoes while Taylor, during moaning tiredly moved away from me on the bed so there would be enough space for me to crawl up and lie down next to her. Pulling my arms tightly around my daughter and she snuggled her face into my shirt and then laid her ear against my chest where she could listen to my heart beating.

"You used to want to lie like this all the time when you were just a baby." I said when I could hear on Taylor's breaths that she was still awake. "I guess you must have heard my heartbeats when I was pregnant and you were in my belly. Then after you were born and for months you would scream almost as soon as I let you go. We tried to lie you like this against your dad's chest or even your aunt's or grandma's. It didn't work. It was like you always knew you would listen to the same beat you had heard… well, from inside of me really. And even as you grew up, few things would calm you down and help you sleep as laying down close like this. And you would listen to my heart and I would listen to your breathing only so I'd know you were safe."

"It's been a while though." Taylor barely more than breathed. "It must have been years- I grew up. Maybe I'm too old for this too… Do you remember the poem you used to read me?"

"If I remember it? I wouldn't be able to forget it if I tried. And you wouldn't be too old for it even if you so woke up one morning having turned one hundred."

Then before Taylor could say anything else about being too old or anything else. I started reading the short poem out loud right from my memories of the words that I had read to her so many times before.

 _Today has passed us by  
and the light is disappearing into twilight  
the world outside my window has gone silent  
as day turns into night_

After the first verse I made a slight pause. Then before I continued it seemed Taylor wanted to say something. And I silent and paused again since words were coming slowly right now.

"Do you remember that I helped out with writing the last part?"

After everything that had happened today I couldn't help but smile remembering how four year old Taylor had "helped" me write a poem that would help her fall asleep. It did its work yeah. But that's pretty much all it did too.

"You did also help me write the middle part. That's why none of it makes sense with whatever comes next. Well that and the fact that I never were much of a writer if I put it kindly." I just had to comment it comment before I kept on speaking it out loud. The word coming by themselves despite how long it was ago since I had read it last.

 _Then sometimes as I lay down  
I can't relax to fall asleep  
the dark seems too big, the night seems too long  
everything's so scary, I can hardly even breathe _

The poem only had three verses. Maybe just as good that was because when she was little she'd always be falling asleep by the first line of the last part. And so also now, when I finished the poem in almost whisper and heard Taylor's breaths go slower as she fell asleep.

 _An old trick to fall asleep that everybody knows  
is to count, one sheep, two sheep, three sheep  
and then that boring counting  
will finally put me right off to sleep _

**One thing- English is not my first language, so if you see any mistakes with spelling or grammar or stuff then please leave it in a review or send me a PM. It might be just a typo, we all make them. But if not and I really had it wrong- then I'll make sure to get it right next time. Okay? Thank you.**

 **Random fact (I leave one of these at the end of every chapter, sometimes more than one on a oneshot like this one)**

It might seem a bit random that Kris would go home and then come back like she did. But actually, that's exactly what my mum did a couple of years ago when I had my first seizures. And at that moment I was also told by a nurse when I asked if my mum could stay even though I wasn't a minor "if I was here then I'd like my mum too" Like Dr. Rilke tells Kris. Mum also told me that my brother agreed, just like Kris tells Taylor Eric did in the story.

Seriously, that poem sucks and doesn't make much sense. I'll probably feel ashamed only for putting it up. That's why I put the line that little Taylor would have helped her mum writing it and that Kris never was much of a writer. Somehow I thought it might make me seem a better writer. Because I promise you guys, I have written better poems than that one haha.

 **If someone wants to use that poem however, the same goes as always. Please ask me first, and if I say no- respect that. And if yes, give me credit. Simple as that.**

 **Am I the only one that thinks Kris and Dr. Rilke would make a cute couple? At the same time I'm thinking like nooooo… But then at the same time. After the movie, when Taylor's better and healthier… wouldn't they be kind of cute together? "Sighs and shakes my head" Fanfiction writers when they're at their best…**


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